On-line Postgraduate Certificate In Editing and Revising Technical Texts In English. Kevin Costello Servei Lingüístic Universitat Rovira i Virgili

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1 On-line Postgraduate Certificate In Editing and Revising Technical Texts In English Kevin Costello Servei Lingüístic Universitat Rovira i Virgili

2 CHAPTER 4 Revising Lesson 10 The revision parameters Aims To learn techniques for revising one's own draft translations. To revise the draft translations of others. Reading 75 minutes Exercises 120 minutes Contents Page 3 Why revisers are needed 6 The Revision Parameters 7 Self-revision Order or Operations 8 Revising the work of others 9 Principles for making corrections to a draft translation 10 Summary of Revision Principles Dos and Don ts 13 Visit Ancient Tarraco 15 Supplementary exercises for Spanish speakers 2

3 Why revisers are needed English well speaking Here is a collection of public notices from around the world, somewhat loosely translated into English. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

4 In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In the office of a Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs in a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. In another Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. 4

5 REVISING "Revising is that function of professional translators in which they identify features of the draft translation that fall short of what is acceptable and make appropriate corrections and improvements." Please read Revising and Editing for Translators (units 9 14) by Brian Mossop. Exercise 1: In the circle below are 12 revision parameters and in the table there are 12 questions to define them. Complete the checklists by putting the parameters in the right places. Smoothness Sub-language Typography Idiom Tailoring Facts Accuracy Completeness Logic Layout 5

6 The Revision Parameters Revision parameters are the things a reviser checks for the types of error. An exhaustive list of what can go wrong when translating would be very long indeed. However, when discussing revision it is convenient to have a short list of types of error. Below are 12 parameters divided into four groups. Group A Problems of meaning transfer (Transfer) 1. Does the translation reflect the message of the source text? 2. Have any elements of the message been left out? Group B Problems of content (Content) 3. Does the sequence of ideas make sense? Is there any nonsense or contradiction? 4. Are there any factual errors? Group C Problems of language and style (Language) 5. Does the text flow: Are the connections between sentences clear? Are the relationships among the parts of each sentence clear? Are there any awkward, hard-to-read sentences? 6. Is the language adapted to the users of the translation and the use they will make of it? 7. Is the style suited to the genre, has correct terminology been used, and does the phraseology match that used in original target-language texts on the same subject? 8. Are all the word combinations idiomatic? Does the translation observe the rhetorical preferences of the target language? 9. Have the rules of grammar, spelling, punctuation, house style and correct usage been observed? Group D Problems of physical presentation (Presentation) 10. Are there any problems in the way the text is arranged on the page: spacing, indentation, margins, etc? 11. Are there any problems of text formatting: bolding, underlining, font type, font size, etc? 12. Are there any problems in the way the document as a whole is organized: page numbering, headers, footnotes, table of contents, etc? Check your answers at the end of this lesson. 6

7 Self-Revision Self-revision the translator s own check of the draft translation is an essential part of translation procedure; skipping it is simply unprofessional. The minimum acceptable is a full unilingual rereading of the translation; if time permits, a comparative re-reading should also be done. Order of Operations Here is an ideal, though lengthy procedure, when making revisions directly on screen. You may already have made some of these checks while you were drafting the translation. You must decide whether to recheck. 1. Do an initial Spellcheck to remove any annoying typographical errors -- you don't want to be distracted by the temptation to remove these manually as you go through the text. 2. Read the entire translation for Logic, Smoothness, Tailoring, Sub-language and Idiomaticity, and those aspects of typography and punctuation that are important for meaning. (Read the text aloud if the user will be reading it aloud.) 3. Do a comparative check for Accuracy and Completeness. If the client wants the translation to follow the Layout of the source text, check this at the same time. 4. Read the entire translation from start to finish for Mechanics (other than spelling), Layout, consistency, and any Language errors introduced in steps 2 and Do a separate check for numbers if they are important to the message. 6. Check the document s Organization. 7. Run Spellcheck again in case you have introduced any errors. 8. Press Control-S to make sure you have saved all your changes. Step 8 is important in any revision procedure, however brief. Before you print out a copy of the text, or send it off by to your client or to the translator, you must be sure that you are printing or ing the final version of your revision, with all corrections included. This is of course the ideal order of operations. In practice, somewhere in between this procedure and the minimum acceptable (unilingual re-reading) is the norm. I would suggest doing steps 1,3,4,6,8 and 9 if possible. 7

8 Revising the work of others No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else s text. (H.G. Wells) How should you revise the translations of others? I think Wells' statement is more than a slight exaggeration, but the main mistake new revisers make is over-revising, not under-revising. The interpersonal aspect of revising the work of others makes this task quite different from self-revision, where making unnecessary changes merely wastes time. When revising the work of others, such changes will also create difficult interpersonal relationships. Also, the more revisions you make, the greater the risk that you will introduce error and make the translation worse. To avoid making unnecessary changes you should: recognize the validity of approaches to translation other than your own; bear in mind that the translator knows more about the text than you do; make sure that you can justify any changes you would like to make. The Revision Parameters are not intended as a checklist while actually revising because you obviously don t want to go through each sentence twelve times! However, when you are revising other people s work, a simple it sounds better my way is not a satisfactory explanation for any changes you have made. You can therefore use these parameters to justify your revisions. How can you know when to make a correction to a draft translation? 8

9 Principles for making corrections to a draft translation Here are 6 principles you should follow for making changes as you check a translation. The first two principles involve situations in which you must make a change. The next four involve situations in which you should minimize your corrections. A correction is definitely needed: a) If you can t understand the translation without consulting the source text. b) If you have to read a sentence twice to understand it correctly. On the other hand: c) Avoid perfectionism. Don t just ask yourself: Can I improve this? Of course you can, but that s not the question. The question is: Do I need to improve it? Your aim is not to achieve a flawless text. Your client or employer can't afford to have you revise, re-revise and re-re-revise. Also, there are diminishing returns on revision effort: your fifth re-reading will take almost as long as your first, but will probably reveal few if any errors. Your goal as a professional is to achieve acceptability a text that meets needs. Perfection is a personal goal, not a business goal. So, if in doubt about whether to make a change, don t agonize. Make no change and move on. There are not just two degrees of quality excellent or dreadful. There are in fact many degrees of acceptable quality depending on the brief. d) Don t retranslate. Whenever possible, make small changes in the translation. Don t restart the drafting process by working from the source text and inventing a whole new translation of a sentence. If a whole new translation does suddenly occur to you, ignore it. There is no reason to decide whether this new translation is better if the existing translation is acceptable as it is, or with just a small change. Revisers who constantly retranslate are both a financial burden on the organization and a cause of low morale among translators. e) Don t accidentally introduce errors. When making changes to achieve accuracy or completeness, you may introduce language errors. Similarly, when making corrections for language, you may introduce transfer errors. Also, when you make a language change you may have to make other changes elsewhere in the same sentence, or in a preceding or following sentence. It is easy to forget to make these additional changes. f) Minimize corrections of features you are not currently checking. If you have to do several checks and you are currently checking for accuracy (for example), don t get diverted by a language problem, thinking that you may not notice it later during a unilingual check. Such changes are harmless but defeat the point of separate checks. Some of you will have no problem shifting mentally backwards and forwards from accuracy-checking to language-checking, but some of you may miss errors if you keep shifting the focus of your attention. 9

10 Exercise 2. Complete this checklist for revisers. Summary of Revision Principles Dos (1-11) and Don ts (12-18) 1. If you find a very large number of mistakes as you begin revising, consider whether the text should be rather than revised. 2. If you can t understand the translation without reading it twice, or without consulting the source text, a correction is definitely. 3. Make changes to a sentence rather than rewriting it. 4. Unless the longer comparative procedure is dictated by the possibility of mistranslation or omission, minimize revision time through re-reading. 5. When making a linguistic correction or a stylistic improvement, make sure you have not introduced a. 6. When you make a change, check whether you need to make another change in the same or in a neighboring. 7. Check as well as words: they are part of the message. 8. Try to see the text from the point of view of the first-time. 9. Strike a suitable balance between the degree of and the degree of readability. 10. Give preference to the s needs over the s demands. 11. Make sure there are no spelling or typographical errors on the page.

11 Summary of Revision Principles Dos (1-11) and Don ts (12-18) 12. Don t ask yourself whether a sentence can be improved but whether it to be improved. Make the possible changes. 13. If you are in doubt about whether to make a change,. 14. Don t let your attention to micro-level features of the text prevent you from seeing errors, and vice versa. 15. Don t let your attention to the linguistic flow prevent you from seeing errors in (nonsense, contradiction, etc.), and vice versa. 16. When revising the work of others, don t make changes you can t. 17. Don t your own approach to translating on others. 18. Don t your linguistic idiosyncrasies on others. So, when revising someone elses translations, consider tone Revise as you would wish to be revised Lead with the positive 11

12 The Revision Parameters Group A Problems of meaning (Transfer) 1. Accuracy Does the translation reflect the message of the source text? 2. Completeness Have any elements of the message been left out? Group B Problems of content (Content) 3. Logic Does the sequence of ideas make sense? Is there any nonsense or contradiction? 4. Facts Are there any factual errors? Group C Problems of language and style (Language) 5. Smoothness Does the text flow: Are the connections between sentences clear? Are the relationships among the parts of each sentence clear? Are there any awkward, hard-to-read sentences? 6. Tailoring Is the language adapted to the users of the translation and the use they will make of it? 7. Sub-language Is the style suited to the genre, has correct terminology been used, and does the phraseology match that used in original target-language texts on the same subject? 8. Idiom Are all the word combinations idiomatic? Does the translation observe the rhetorical preferences of the target language? 9. Mechanics Have the rules of grammar, spelling, punctuation, house style and correct usage been observed? Group D Problems of physical presentation (Presentation) 10. Layout Are there any problems in the way the text is arranged on the page: spacing, indentation, margins, etc? 11. Typography Are there any problems of text formatting: bolding, underlining, font type, font size, etc? 12. Organization Are there any problems in the way the document as a whole is organized: page numbering, headers, footnotes, table of contents, etc? 12

13 Exercise 3 Revise this tourist information leaflet, which has been translated from Spanish. Do a monolingual re-reading, using the revision parameters to identify any problems. VISIT ANCIENT TARRACO THE CAPITAL INTRODUCTION Tarragona, located on the Mediterranean coast in the north-east of Spain, is the most southern of the Catalan provinces. From a geographical and a climatological point of view it can be divided into two sections; the coastal area, stretching some 212 km from Cunit as far as the river Cenia and consisting of a succession of fine, sandy beaches; and the area inland. The main feature of the coastal area is its calm blue water, whereas inland the scenery is enhanced by the intense brightness of the sunlight. Here the Carob trees, vineyards, hazel, almond and olive trees give an air of grace and beauty. During the summer the temperature ranges from 23º to 25º, but the constant sea breezes help maintain a cool atmosphere. The winters are always mild. The typically Mediterranean city was founded by Publius Cornelius Scipio during the second Punic War (218 B.C.), and it preserves all the characteristics of a great city where the Romans kept their legions. The visitor may see the Praetorium, Circus, Amphitheatre, Aqueduct, Forum, Theatre and the walls and towers. The city itself stands on a rocky hill which gradually slopes down towards the sea. From medieval times perhaps the Cathedral is the most representative monument. Tarragona was the metropolitan seat of the Crown of Aragon up until the reign of King Jaime II, and then later it became the capital of the ecclesiastical province of Tarragona. The former Roman roads are its present-day streets and squares (the Plaza de la Font stands over part of what was the Roman Circus), and the port is the continuation of a breakwater built by the Romans. Other characteristics area fairly low rainfall throughout the year, and an extraordinarily large number of bright, sunny days during any season of the year. 13

14 Four kilometres away, at the side of the Lérida road, there is a magnificent example of Roman engineering. This is the aqueduct known as El Puente del Diablo, or Devil s Bridge, which possibly dates from the time of Trajan, It is composed of a series of double arches and has a length of 217m. Thanks to its near perfect state of preservation it is of great architectural importance. Tarragona has been formed thanks to the influence of a succession of generations and cultures. Nowadays it spreads as far as the banks of the river Francolí. Another important part of the city is La Rambla, a residencial area built around 1854 and a somewhat bold vision of modern urban development. The Passeig Arqueològic is an avenue running alongside the city walls, and the viewpoint known as El Balcón del Mediterráneo offers some fine panoramic views of the sea and the surrounding countryside, with the Sierra de Prades and the Sierra de Llavería in the background. The city has some 110,000 inhabitants, and the beaches stretch as far as the mouth of the river Gaià where the farmhouses blend in with pinewoods and the typical scrublands with the dry land crops. An interesting visit can be paid to the typical maritime district known as El Serallo, where one can watch the fishing boats coming in and witness the fish being auctioned at La Lonja (fish exchange) following an age-old tradition. Tarragona is an ideal place to live, with all the advantages of a provincial capital yet none of the inconveniences of a heavily-populated city. 14

15 Supplementary exercises for Spanish speakers Exercise 1. In pairs, use the revision parameters to revise the translation of the abstract entitled: Cerveza de día, copa de noche: consumo de cerveza, marketing y cultura. You will find some potential problems in: a) The title b) Paragraph 1 (Lines 1, 4, 5, 7, 8) c) Paragraph 2 (Lines 2, 3, 8, 11, 13, 14) d) Paragraph 3 (Lines 3, 5, 6) e) Paragraph 4 (Lines 1, 4) If you find any other problems, identify them. Decide in each case whether to make a correction to the draft translation. Give me your reasons and send me your final version. Make any changes and comments with electronic copyediting. 15

16 CERVEZA DE DÍA, COPA DE NOCHE: CONSUMO DE CERVEZA, MARKETING Y CULTURA En esta comunicación vamos a analizar una muestra de la publicidad española de cerveza realizada durante las dos últimas décadas con el objetivo de mostrar el tipo de mensajes recurridos por la industria cervecera para promocionar un producto cuyo consumo en España no sólo se ha visto incrementado desde los años ochenta, aunque sea relativamente, sino que ha variado notablemente respecto a las representaciones asociadas y a los usos dados en períodos anteriores. En el caso de los anuncios de cerveza se observan tanto algunas transformaciones básicas de la vida social española, como las modificaciones habidas en las condiciones de producción, distribución y consumo de esta bebida alcohólica. En primer lugar reflexionaremos acerca del papel que la publicidad ha podido jugar en dichos cambios para, posteriormente, poner énfasis en las ideas utilizadas por los publicistas con el fin de asegurar y estrechar los vínculos entre la industria y la cerveza por un lado, y la difusa categoría de consumidores, por otro. Efectivamente, denominar, clasificar e identificar como consumibles los productos alimentarios de origen industrial es hoy una de las tareas principales del marketing publicitario. La comunicación publicitaria, constituyendo una parte específica del conocimiento del marketing, ha sido imprescindible para convertir en familiares y cercanos mercancías, acontecimientos, lugares, gentes y costumbres que son, a menudo ajenos y distantes, como sucede en el caso de ciertos tipos de cerveza importadas que han ido apareciendo en el mercado español en los últimos años. La publicidad, sin embargo, ha revestido estos productos y sus usos de significados vinculantes y les ha dotado de una función que los identifica como consumos necesarios o deseables para diferentes ocasiones: aperitivos, copas, coctail, comidas, tapeo, etc. En la década de los sesenta, la cerveza se publicitaba mayormente como una bebida 16

17 del trabajador, barata y nutritiva. Hoy, aunque ciertamente estamos ante una bebida nutritiva y, comparándola con otros alcoholes, no muy costosa, pocos publicistas se atreverían a utilizar ninguno de estos ejes comunicativos para promocionarla. Coincidiendo con el descenso del consumo de cerveza en hogares y con el aumento en restauración y hostelería, los mensajes publicitarios han variado notablemente y actualmente acostumbran a vincularse con el tiempo de ocio, la diversión, el juego, el placer y el sexo. Aquí analizaremos algunos de los eslóganes publicitarios que como el que recogemos en el título de esta comunicación, "cerveza de día, copa de noche", han expresado y vehiculado el cambio habido en las representaciones asociadas y usos dados por la sociedad española a esta bebida. 17

18 BEER BY DAY, CUP BY NIGHT: BEER CONSUMPTION, MARKETING AND CULTURE This communication analyses a sample of beer adverts seen in Spain during the last twenty years with the aim of showing the kind of messages the brewing industry has used to promote a product whose consumption in Spain has been increasing since the 1980s and whose associated representations and uses have changed considerably. Beer adverts reflect some of the fundamental transformations that have taken place in Spanish social life, and show the changes in the production, distribution and consumption of this alcoholic bevrage. First we will discuss the part advertising may have played in bringing about these changes, before putting emphasis on the ideas advertizers used to establish and strengthen the links between industry and beer on one hand, and the wide range of consumers on the other. In fact, naming, classifying and identifying industrially produced foods as consumable goods is one of marketing s main tasks today. Advertising, which is a specific part of marketing, has proved indispensable in transforming often alien and distant goods, events, places, and customs into close and familiar ones, which is true, for example, with some types of imported beer that have appeared on the Spanish market in the last few years. Advertising has, however, dressed up these products and their uses in related meanings, and identified them as necessary or desirable consumer goods for a variety of situations such as aperitifs, pub drinks, cocktails, and drinks to accompany meals or tapas. 18

19 In the 1960s, beer was advertised as a cheap and nutritional working man s drink. Although beer is certainly a nutritious drink and compared to other alcoholic beverages not so expensive, few advertisers today would dare to use either of these advertising themes. Despite the decrease in beer consumption in the home and its increase in bars and restaurants, the messages advertising sends out ha certainly a nutritious drink and compared to other alcoholic beverages not so expensive, few advertisers s changed considerably; today they usually link beer with leisure, entertainment, fun, pleasure and sex. In this communication, some of the advertising slogans that, like the one in the title Beer by day, cup by night, have expressed and channelled the changes in the representations associated with beer and in the uses it has for Spanish society, will be analysed. 19

20 Exercise 2. Translate into English the text entitled Actividades Culturales y Lúdicas para Estudiantes Extranjeros Send your translation to one of your colleagues on the course. Revise each other's translation and send it back. Don't forget to use electronic copyediting to track the changes you make and insert comments when needed. When revising someone else s translation, consider tone Revise as you would wish to be revised Lead with the positive 20

21 ACTIVIDADES CULTURALES Y LÚDICAS PARA ESTUDIANTES EXTRANJEROS 19 DE FEBRERO Visita a la Tarraco Romana Con esta salida conoceremos la parte más antigua y monumental de Tarragona. Tárraco fue la capital de la Hispania citerior durante el dominio del imperio Romano. Visitaremos el anfiteatro, el pretorio, el circo, el fórum, las murallas y la Casa Castellarnau. 18 DE MARZO Calçotada en Altafulla La calçotada es un plato originario de Valls. Se caracteriza por la peculiar manera de mojar los calçots (cebolletas a la brasa) en la salsa, que tiene la almendra como principal ingrediente, y de comerlos con las manos. Los calçots se acompañan con carne a la brasa, longaniza y vino en porrón. 08 DE ABRIL Ruta del Císter : Monasterios de Santes Creus y Poblet Visitaremos el monasterio de Santes Creus por la mañana y el monasterio de Poblet y por la tarde. Estos dos monasterios constituyen un ejemplo de la vida monacal del siglo XII en Cataluña. 23 DE ABRIL Visita a la Rambla por Sant Jordi El dia 23 de Abril se celebra Sant Jordi, la fiesta de la cultura en Cataluña. En este día es típico que los chicos regalen una rosa a las chicas, y ellas un libro a los chicos. Pasearemos por la Rambla de Tarragona y veremos los diferentes puestos de rosas y libros. 29 DE ABRIL Semana medieval en Montblanc Volveremos a la Edad Media paseando por el barrio antiguo de Montblanc y participando de las diferentes celebraciones típicas de la sociedad feudal. 20 DE MAYO Visita al Delta del Ebro Llegaremos al centro de información de Deltebre, donde el guia nos explicará las principales características de la zona (formación, historia, el parque natural,...). Más tarde visitaremos el Ecomuseo del Delta y un autobús nos llevará a la desembocadura del río Ebro. Por último, navegaremos en barca por los kilómetros finales del río. 21

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